Myth #7
Listening well means fully comprehending and understanding a speaker so we can repeat back, word-for-word, what they said
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s important to remember every detail; and sometimes we can repeat exactly what someone has said verbatim. I’ve been in more than one conversation that sounded just like this:
Them: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Yes, of course.
Them: Then what did I JUST say?!
Me: (repeats the last sentence I heard)
It’s as if repeating the last thing they said can prove that I’ve been listening the whole time. Yet, repetition is not always the goal of listening. In fact, it’s a faulty assumption that all listeners are attending to exactly the same information (see Myth 5).
What good does it do to repeat back to someone what they just said while failing to understand the reason they said it?
Most advice about how to be a “good listener” often centers on paraphrasing: restating what the speaker has communicated in your own words. While paraphrasing is widely recommended, research offers mixed results on its effectiveness in real interactions, suggesting “ there is more to learn about how paraphrasing contributes to the complex ebb and flow of real-life interactions” (Glenn, 2024, p. 29). Glenn’s study of the podcast Conversations with People Who Hate Me concluded that “effective paraphrasing needs to be fitted to the specific moment, respective roles of participants, and the interactional purpose or agenda” (p. 38).
What seems to be clear is that we shouldn’t just repeat back to someone what they said. People know what they said and probably why they said it; your job as a listener is dependent on the situation and so is how you paraphrase. What might be most useful for me to paraphrase right now? Sometimes we paraphrase to affirm what someone has said, like when we are listening to a friend going through a divorce; other times, like in conversations with someone we disagree with, we paraphrase to show understanding; and, yet, other times we paraphrase to generate other possibilities from what was said, like in a brainstorming session.