Myth #2
Most of the meaning found in communication is nonverbal (93% to be exact).
This myth is a tempting one. When someone is angry with us, we can often tell by their actions. How are they looking at us? Are they avoiding touching us? It’s a lot more polite and comfortable to give someone the cold shoulder than to say, “I don’t want to speak with you.”
When we ask our friend, “What’s the matter?” and he responds by saying, “Nothing” with slumped shoulders and puppy dog eyes, we are more likely to believe the “hints” than his words.
So how can this myth be false?! We’ve all experienced situations where most of a message was conveyed nonverbally. When someone gives a deep sigh, rolls their eyes, or slouches their shoulders in response to being asked to do a task, for instance, they are communicating their lack of excitement (or perhaps utter frustration). Even if the person simply says "Okay," their body and tone of voice suggest reluctance, annoyance, and/or frustration - and that’s the thing. Note the words I’ve been using:
Believed to be
Communicating their lack of excitement
Suggest reluctance, annoyance, and/or frustration
As a silly example, go to your favorite streaming service and play a comedy special on mute. Are you laughing? If 93% of communication is nonverbal, you should be rolling at least 93% of the time.
Nonverbal communication is certainly important, but saying that 93% of communication or meaning is nonverbal misrepresents Mehrabian’s research (which estimated how people feel about another person based on verbal, vocal, and facial displays). The details of the study are less important than the fact that not even Mehrabian believes the 93% statistic!
In several studies I have run as well as a few others conducted in labs at other universities, we have found that when you evaluate someone as a good listener, their words are 3-5 times more predictive of your evaluations than their body language. In other words, nonverbal behaviors are important for good listening, and we should pay attention to them, but they aren’t always the most important.
Instead, in addition to nodding, holding sufficient eye contact, and using “minimal encouragers” like “mhm” and “right,” good listeners also:
Help speakers explore their beliefs and assumptions
Challenge those beliefs and assumptions when appropriate
Offer suggestions and even advice, usually after providing high quality emotional support and asking questions to unearth the nature of the problem
Try to solve problems with speakers
These four exemplar activities all require you to say something, to use words (and not just body language).